Ramblings of a Ma_Gi

blind (by lifehouse)

2005-08-15T10:16:00.000+08:00

I was young but I wasn't naive
I watched helpless as he turned around to leave
And still I have the pain I have to carry
A past so deep that even you could not bury if you tried

After all this time
I never thought we'd be here
Never thought we'd be here
When my love for you was blind
But I couldn't make you see it
Couldn't make you see it
That I loved you more than you'll ever know
A part of me died when I let you go

I would fall asleep
Only in hopes of dreaming
That everything would be like is was before
But nights like this it seems are slowly fleeting
They disappear as reality is crashing to the floor

After all this time
I never thought we'd be here
Never thought we'd be here
When my love for you was blind
But I couldn't make you see it
Couldn't make you see it
That I loved you more than you'll ever know
A part of me died when I let you go

After all this time
Would you ever wanna leave it
Maybe you could not believe it
That my love for you was blind
But I couldn't make you see it
Couldn't make you see it
That I loved you more than you will ever know
A part of me died when I let you go
And I loved you more than you'll ever know
A part of me dies when I let you go

a familiar voice and a familiar feeling

2005-07-22T12:21:00.000+08:00

it's been two years yesterday friend. it is still a special day for me. i just had to let that be known somehow. i know i'm going thru something difficult this time. and i'm just glad that i have a friend like you to turn to whenever things get tough. your voice, it was just soothing to hear. your laughter, it was just a welcome sound apart from all the sobs i've been hearing at night.

'twas a special day indeed....and it will always be.

closure

2005-07-21T08:25:00.000+08:00

it was another rough night. two hours max of sleep again. i thought after threshing things out with him and having 3 bottles of beer, that i can get that long awaited deep slumber. well, maybe not yet....hopefully soon. coz work is already suffering...and i really can't concentrate on anything at all.

think girl...what's next? moving on....again....this is getting to be a cycle already. since i lost a few pounds because of this...maybe i should continue trying to lose more. hmmmm....gym? badminton? walkathon? c'mon....think!

wide awake and messed up sheets

2005-07-20T08:41:00.000+08:00

tired from work and tired with all this emotional baggage i've been carrying around. i thought that keeping myself busy and considering my body is abt to give in to all these...that sleep will be more easier. chatted with a friend while watching "friends" and singing till 12am, read a book till 2 am, tossed and turned my bed till 3 am. finally in between thinking what to drown myself into and counting sheeps, i fell into deep slumber. then i woke up at 5 am. grrrr....turned on my PC again to play some music...while my eyes are wide open waiting for my 7 am bath.

if my sheets had a mind of their own...they would have complained to high heavens how messed up their lives these days are with me. can somebody just kill me please?

Full of Grace

2005-07-19T11:48:00.000+08:00

(by Sarah Mclachlan)

The winter here's cold and bitter,
It's chilled us to the bone.
We haven't seen the sun for weeks,
Too long, too far from home.
I feel just like I'm sinking,
And I claw for solid ground.
I'm pulled down by the undertow,
I never thought I could feel so low,
And, oh, darkness, I feel like letting go.

If all of the strength and all of the courage
Come and lift me from this place.
I know I can love you much better than this:
Full of grace, Full of grace, my love.

It's better this way,
I said,
Haven't seen this place before.
Where everything we say and do,
Hurts us all the more.
It's just that we stayed too long
In the same old sickly scheme,
And I'm pulled down by the undertow,
I never thought I could feel so low,
And, oh, darkness, I feel like letting go.

If all of the strength and all of the courage
Come and lift me from this place
I know I can love you much better than this:
Full of grace, full of grace.

I know I can love you much better than this.

It's better this way.

a prayer

2005-07-19T08:10:00.000+08:00

now this is more than a tilt in the universe. more like a total turn around. i should be getting the hang of this. of getting hurt and being left out wondering what i have done wrong. i heard somewhere that talk is cheap. but no one's doing the talking but me. what a blabbermouth!

i used to defy all reason and try to reach out first. i always believed in this saying that i should live like there was no tomorrow. i fear that if i lose my chance to do something or say anything, the chance is gone forever. so the reason for my passion in love and life.

now, i've been fighting against myself. to at least maintain some dignity left of me. its not pride. i know myself better. i have never been a proud person. its more like keeping my sanity. i think i've been embarassed enough and been hurt enough. though i know deep in my heart that it never was my nature to bear grudges against anyone. no matter how i got hurt. but this time, i will not reach out anymore. i can be a friend. but not now. i need to heal. just like in the past. i know i can get through this.

i want to forgive you. (you promised to say something if ever there would be someone in your life. you said it was a fair enough request of mine.) but first, i have to work out on forgiving myself. and this is taking more time than i thought it would.

i always thought that writing was a good therapy for me. that's why my tabulas blog was born. but i can't have you see me suffering. i don't need your guilt or pity. i have been hurt more than this before. and i have survived. and i will survive again this time.

so each time i miss you...or think abt you...or want to hear your voice...i utter a prayer. for Him to help me get through this and for me to let you go. i pray for your happiness. and hope that she is the one you are looking for.

off somewhere

2005-07-07T12:50:00.000+08:00

i'm off to Davao tomorrow early morning. our flight will be at 4:30am. i'm excited. not only because i'll be seeing the place for the first time but also because of business opportunities awaiting for us there. if things do work out. there's a possibility for me to relocate. but then again, that would be a hazy reading of the future at the moment. i don't know if my kids will be up to it. or even if my ex will allow them to go with me. drats! if only i was single. oh well...

i have lots of things to do. lots of places to see. i wish i could travel around with my special someone. hahaha wishful thinking. that's abt all i can do right now really....wish....and think....mmmmmm...

a fool till the end

2005-06-27T18:38:00.000+08:00

maybe its time for me to stop hurting. i know i can be such a stubborn person when it comes to matters of the heart. what can i do? mahal ko yung tao. ang problema, di nya ako mahal. pathetic ba? well, ganon eh. mahirap siguro akong mahalin na tao. wala siguro akong kwenta. sige pa magself-pity ka pa. wala naman kakahinatnan yan kalokohan mo. wag ka na kse mag-illusion na may magmamahal pa syo ng totoo. tigilan mo na yan. gumising ka sa totohanan. wala nang magmamahal syo....wala na!!!

got my answer

2005-06-25T18:29:00.000+08:00

i think i got my answer to my previous post. you couldn't handle the scorching heat. my heart is tired of the pain it gets from loving you. tell me why does it have to be painful to love you? why does it have to hurt this much? maybe its time for me to let you go my free-spirited sunshine. there never was a small square room. only the open skies, the sunshine and the clouds. you are free to shine all you want. i shall not hinder you from doing that. i will just be here to watch and see your beauty and grandeur.

Through the Fire

2005-06-25T16:55:00.000+08:00

I look in your eyes and I can see
We've loved so dangerously
You're not trusting your heart to anyone
You tell me you're gonna play it smart
We're through before we start
But I believe that we've only just begun

When it's this good, there's no saying no
I want you so, I'm ready to go

Chorus:
Through the fire
To the limit, to the wall
For a chance to be with you
I'd gladly risk it all
Through the fire
Through whatever, come what may
For a chance at loving you
I'd take it all the way
Right down to the wire
Even through the fire

I know you're afraid of what you feel
You still need time to heal
And I can help if you'll only let me try
You touch me and something in me know
What I could have with you?
Well I'm not ready to kiss that dream goodbye

When it's this sweet, there's no saying no
I want you so, I'm ready to go

Chorus

Through the test of time

Chorus

Through the fire, to the limit
Through the fire, through whatever
Through the fire, to the limit
Through the fire, through whatever

************************************

this song just says so much of how i am feeling right now. there's this rush of emotions inside me. i feel like i'm going to burst anytime. yes sunshine, i am willing to go through the fire...just to be with you. question is are you willing to go through it too?

a new world

2005-06-25T15:35:00.000+08:00

i have opened my skies to my sunshine. it lights up my world. my sunshine is a free-spirit. it shines when it wants to. i shall always be in its shadows. until when? i do not know. i just know that i love my sunshine....my sunshine lights up my world.